I Am Living
by aibean
Summary: Ron sits in Azkaban thinking over he got there. A RH agnsty mystery
1. How The End Began

A/N: This is a story I posted here a long time ago and never finished. I am re-editing it and reposting it, and of course finishing it. I would like to thank everyone who read it the first time around and gave me such wonderful reviews. Please review, it keeps me writing. And now on to the first chapter…

**How The End Began**

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

-Soren Kierkegaard

"As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape."

-John Lancaster Spalding, Aphorisms and Reflections

Drip-drop-drip-drop. Water splashes on my face cold, wet, freezing, leaking from the grimy stone ceiling overhead. I don't move. I don't deserve to move. I deserve to be uncomfortable. I can't help, but think of the darkest thoughts of my life, even without the demonters, who are long gone. I want to forget, but I can't I shouldn't. I deserve the pain. I deserve the feeling of knifes stabbing and twisting at my heart.

My thoughts continuously walked the story of my life. Even the happy moments hurt as they show things that can never again be. They seem to be forewarnings of what was to come. I've begun to see all the moments together in sort of a stairwell. All the moments leading up and up to that moment and then the rest of my life slowly sliding down and down and down. I thought about my last year at Hogwarts, the year that would change my life forever, and not just my life, the life of every wizard and witch, perhaps, even the Muggles. That's the irony of my life. I wished my whole life to be famous, and know I'm more wickedly famous then I could have ever possibly imagined, and I would give anything to be the completely unknown and unstained Ronald Weasley.


	2. Fire In Green Eyes

**Fire in Green Eyes**

"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories."

-Stanislaw J. Lec

I remembered the first night of school, all the excitement in the common room. The room began to thin out around eleven and Harry, Hermione, and I found our usual seats in the red velvet squashy chairs by the fire. Harry stared into the flames silent, bits of red and gold flickering in his bright green eyes.

I looked into Harry's face; Harry had changed so much this summer. His face looked older, and wiser. The pain was visible in his face. I wanted to comfort Harry. To make all his problems go away. To hug him tightly and never let go. I noticed Hermione out of my peripheral vision. She kept glancing up at Harry and then back at her watch. I could tell that she wanted to go to bed, but that she also wanted to stay with Harry. We did have classes in the morning.

At midnight Hermione got up. "Harry-Ron, I'm going to go to bed. We--I need to get up early tomorrow. Maybe you guys should get to bed too?" Hermione stared at me trying to get me to back her up. After a few moments Harry spoke, still looking at the flames.

"I'm not tired yet. You guys can go to bed though, I don't mind being alone." Hermione slowly went up stairs. I knew that Harry wanted, needed company, but it went against his personality to ask for companionship, for help of any kind. I had a sudden urge to touch Harry. It seemed as if he was reaching out to me. I stood up and walked over to Harry. I sat down on the arm of Harry's chair. My hand slowly moved to his shoulder and then down to his hand. At first Harry's hand was limp, unmoving. Allowing my hand to grasp his fingers, but not reciporcating the gesture in any way. Then suddenly Harry squeezed back. I felt a shiver down my spine then a sense of warmth as if the fire had suddenly heated up. We sat like that for a few minutes. Then Harry spoke again. "I think I'm ready for bed now." Harry got up and so did I and we went up to the common room and to bed.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as the sound of food being pushed into my cell. I looked at it. The sharp pains in my stomach had become more pronounced. I hadn't eaten in three days. I didn't deserve to eat. I left the food there and laid back against the cold hard stone wall.


	3. What Is Love

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! For those who have read the story before thanks for giving me another chance. Keep reviewing. Thanks!

**What is Love**

"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists.in the loved one, perfection."

-Sidney Poitier

My mind went back to my memories. It was the second day of my sixth year at Hogwarts. I was sitting in the great hall having breakfast. I was busy spreading marmalade on my toast and was surprised when a letter suddenly hit my head and went bouncing off into Harry's oatmeal. I fished the letter out and whipped it off on my napkin. Apologizing profusely to Harry I opened the letter and immediately recognized my mother's handwriting.

Dear Ron,

How are you dear? Are your classes going well? I have wonderful news for you. You brother Bill is getting married! To that lovely girl Fleur Delacour. Well, I really must go, so much to do. Oh, do tell Ginny the good news. Bill is going to visit Hogsmeade next weekend. I told him that you and Ginny will meet him at the Three Broomsticks at 1:00. I do hope that's all right.

Love,

Mum

The week passed uneventfully and soon it was time for Ginny and me to visit with Bill. When we walked into the Three Broomsticks we saw Bill sitting at a table looking extremely happy. He ordered us a round of Butterbeers and Ginny began to pelt Bill with questions about every aspect of the wedding. After an hour Dean came in and Ginny excused herself. I looked over slightly annoyed at Dean, I still hadn't accepted my sister dating. I wanted her to date Harry. It seemed like she liked him and Harry seemed like the perfect boyfriend. Nice, brave, smart, sweet, loyal, honorable, athletic, rich, famous, and a million other things. I mean, he was my best friend after all.

As Bill talked lovingly of Fleur, I thought about my own romances. I had been thinking about it a lot lately. I was sixteen. I had never had a girlfriend and I had never been kissed.

"Bill, how do you know when you're in love?"

"You know you're in love when you want to spend every waking moment with someone and even that is not enough time. When you care about that person's well being more then your own. You see the person, as being so perfect you can't understand why they would choose you, but they do and their love gives your life meaning, and all you want to do is love them forever and ever." Bill finished and took a huge swig from his mug of Butterbeer. Then Bill let out of little laugh. "Do you think you're in love Ron?"

"No-I don't even have a girlfriend or anything." I blurted out quickly. "Besides I definitely don't feel that way about anyone." But I did feel that way about someone. That was the way I felt about Harry. I loved spending time with Harry. We always had so much fun together. I cared about Harry. It hurt me so much the way I knew he was hurting inside, like the other day in the common room. Harry was perfect. He was everything I aspired to me. Everything I liked in myself was present or even magnified in Harry. I still couldn't believe Harry had chosen me as his friend, when anyone in the school would love to be friends with Harry. I was sure on the first day of school our first year that Harry was going to choose Malfoy over me. And yet Harry had stuck by my side through the years. I was the person who he had to save from the mere people in the Triwizard Tournament. Nothing made me feel as special as they way Harry choose me to be his best friend. There had to be more to this love thing. I didn't love Harry. I mean I loved Harry as a friend of course, but romantically. He was a boy.

"Is that all there is to loving someone?"

"Well, I guess you need to find the person attractive or something." See, Harry was very handsome, with his sparkly green eyes and messy black hair, and the perfect seeker toned body, but I wasn't attracted to him, right?

"Well, I have to go. I'll talk to you later Ron." And with that Bill got up and left and I headed back to Hogwarts.


	4. All In Black

All in Black "Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all"  
-William Goldman, The Princess Bride It was the biggest funeral the wizard world had ever known. At least that is what I heard one of the reporters say. I wouldn't doubt it. Everyone I think I ever met was there, and many people I never seen before, I wonder if Harry even knew them. It was the event of the year; reporters swarmed the place, straining to snap photos as important personages entered the field.  
It was held on the Quidditch pitch, there wasn't a wizard church in England that could fit everyone. I suppose it was fitting. The Quidditch field was where Harry felt alive, where he could forget his problems and still be a kid. I think he would have liked a small funeral though. Just his close friends, but no one asks a murder for advice.  
I sat in the tower where the teachers sat for Quidditch. Everyone else sat down in the field. I was given a pair of special binoculars that not only allowed me to see, but to hear the proceedings. On my right and left sat two guards, wands at ready, shrewdly watching me, as if I was planning on killing the crowd bellow.  
I scanned over the audience. There was the teachers, Dumbeldore, Lupin, my family, three people I didn't know, a fat purple faced man, a thin women, and a huge boy who looked about my age. They looked scared, confused, they must have been Harry's Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin. Then there was Hermione, and then, there was the space where I should have been. I was the best friend who should be there next to Hermione. I should be the one dressed in black as she cried into my shoulder. Why did I deserve to have my whole fucking life so completely fucked up! What about Harry his life was fucked up too, he was dead for fucking sake! But as least he was dead he didn't have to be here feeling all this pain knowing that this pain would never end, his pain was over. What the fuck! Harry was not lucky he was dead he deserved to have a life. Fuck Gd! If there is a fucking Gd! Why did he let Harry die! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! And fuck Malfoy who was sitting next to Hermione comforting her in her time of sorrow! I slumped back into the chair. Pain and anger are tiring emotions.  
My thoughts move back to my sixth year. I can't control my thoughts any longer. It is if I am watching myself listening in, but not actually the person sitting here on the floor.  
It was the next day at school and we were sitting in the Great Hall eating dinner. "We have Quidditch tryouts tomorrow. Do you want to get a little practice in tonight? I'm feeling a little rusty. I haven't played Quidditch in so long. Not since the beginning of the last year," said Harry. His eyes became just a little bigger and brighter when he talked about Quidditch. Harry had been made Quidditch captain this year, and he was taking the job seriously. I knew that Harry wasn't worried that he was getting rusty. Harry had that natural ability. He was ready to play Quidditch before he was ever on a broomstick, before he had even heard of Quidditch. I knew he wanted to practice, because he knew I needed it. I don't think he was worried about losing. Quidditch was important to Harry, but friends came first. Harry's friends were always his top priority. He didn't want me to be embarrassed in front of the Slytherin team. We both remembered only too well the "Weasley is Our King" episode of last year.  
So, after dinner Harry and I head out onto the field. "Okay, let's start with some speed flying exercises." Harry and I mounted our brooms and went into the air. We flew to the hoops one side and raced each other to the other side. Harry always beat me.  
"Ron, when you lean foreword to speed up bend your head down slightly. It will make you more aerodynamic. You'll fly faster." We raced again and this time I was less behind Harry.  
"Good job, Ron. Okay, why don't you go by the goal and I'll try getting some balls into the rings." I flew over by the rings. I stopped almost every ball. Harry tried all kinds of tricks to challenge my saving abilities. I did a really good job of stopping them.  
"I'm so hot," said Harry. The weather was really warm and Harry had been flying like a mad man. He took of his shirt and let it go. I watched the white cotton sailed slowly to the grass below. Then I looked back at Harry and I felt a little shiver go up my spine. He really did have a very fit body. I quickly glanced away. "Let's try a couple of more times, and then call it quits for tonight. I'm getting kind of tired"  
"Okay." Harry tried a couple more balls and I caught them all. Then we flew back to the ground and got off our brooms. Harry looked up at the sky.  
"Look the stars are coming out. They look so bright and beautiful. The stars don't look like this back in London," Harry said still looking up at the sky.  
"Yeah, all the pollution." I sat down on the grass and gazed up at the sky. Harry sat down next to me. I glanced over and Harry and I saw he was rubbing his back.  
"Does you back hurt"  
"Yeah, I guess I just must be out of shape." He didn't look out of shape to me.  
"Here let me rub it." I sat behind Harry. I started to put my legs on opposite sides of him, but it seemed too intimate. I ended up sitting back on my heels. My hands touched his warm skin. Slowly rubbing his shoulders.  
"Oh, that feels so nice Ron. Where did you learn to give such a good backrub"  
"Mum, has back problems so sometimes she can use a massage." My hands moved slowly along down to the middle of his back. It made me so happy that I could do something for Harry. Something that could make him feel better even if it only was a little backrub. Harry was making soft sounds of pleasure as my hands slowly kneaded into his back. Everything seemed so perfect. The stars shinning in the clear black sky. The nice warm weather. And Harry and I. I felt a nice warmth rush over me. I looked down and.shit! Shit! Shit! I was not getting off on giving Harry a massage. My hands stopped rubbing his back.  
"Oh, Ron, don't stop. It feels so good"  
What was I going to do? The bright starlight was beautiful, but also made it impossible to hide things in it. I got up.  
"Last one to the showers is a rotten dragon egg!" I ran as fast as I could to the showers. I crashed into the shower wall and pulled the curtain behind me, just as Harry came panting in behind me.  
"Guess I'm a rotten egg," said Harry slightly out of breath. I laughed. I heard a soft click of metal and turned towards Harry looking at him through the crack between the shower curtain and the wall. He was undoing his belt. He pulled it through the belt loops and dropped it down on the bench by the showers. He undid the button on his pants and unzipped the fly. He then stepped back and I wasn't able to see him any more. I noticed I was breathing fast, and I didn't think it was from running. I pulled off my clothes and threw them over the curtain. I turned on the water, cold, and leaned back into the refreshing water. I had to get a hold of myself. What was wrong with me? I heard the sound of the shower curtain opening and closing and the sound of rushing water. This couldn't be normal. I was going to have to go talk to that guy tomorrow.  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews and keep reviewing. 


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